Thursday, March 31, 2005

Sin City vs. Sin City

The film vs. the comic.


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Maybe the Dog Had Passed a Dubloon

Poor Misty:
The hunt is on for a poop burglar.

Police in San Diego are searching for a gunman who swiped a bag of poop from a woman out walking her dog.

The woman told police that she was out walking her dog, Misty, on Monday night when a man in his 20s ran up behind her and grabbed the bag she was holding.

When the gunman discovered what was in it, he threw it down in disgust, pointed his gun at the 32-year-old woman and demanded money, San Diego police detective Gary Hassen said.

He then aimed his .22-caliber semiautomatic at Misty and pulled the trigger twice but the gun didn't fire, Hassen said.

The robber ran to a waiting small, silver car and fled the scene, police said.

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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Yoda Talking Like

For yourself you must look.

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More Russian Vodka

I'm sure you remember the Kalashnikov Vodka I told you about last year. In another display of Glasnost (and commercialism) our Russian friends have upped the ante with Red Army Vodka. Enjoy.

za zdorovia!

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Maybe It Was the Cell Door Closing

"All along, there was something that clicked" -- Donald Andrews, on marrying his first cousin in MD.

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A huge shout out to Eric Clapton who turns 60 today. If you're near a radio today (and live near Philly) or a computer (that can stream audio) you should check out the 60 guitarist salute to the man on WXPN-FM today. Happy birthday, slow hand.

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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Two Charged with Forcibly Tattooing Obscenity on Teen

Oh yeah, it was on his forehead.

Let's see if blogger is working today. It ate two posts yesterday and they were good too! (But aren't they all?)

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Monday, March 28, 2005


Wicked busy Monday. Really.
IN HIS 1990 NO. 1 HIT

"Ice is back with my brand-new invention."

"Turn off the lights and I'll glow."

"I rock a mike like a vandal."

"I'm killin' your brain like a poisonous mushroom."

"I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon."

"I go crazy when I hear a cymbal and a high hat."

"I grabbed my nine."

"I'm a lyrical poet."

"My style's like a chemical spill."

"If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram."

"If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it."


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Friday, March 25, 2005

Good Friday

No work today and a chance for me to get rid of some junk around the house and spend time with Mrs. Horns and the lads.

Speaking of the lads, I had my first conversation with Liam this morning and I'm beaming. He's a month short of two years old and been slow forming speech. His great-grandmother and daycare provider aren't concerned, which makes me feel a little better, but we still took him to a speech pathologist a couple of months back. Mrs. Horns has also been using a program called Boardmaker to generate illustrations on her laptop and when you run the mouse over the picture a voice says the name. We've started with "apple" and "banana" because he loves both of them. This seems to have helped.


When the little man got up today he said what sounded very similar to, "That's the light", while pointing to the ceiling fan. I confirmed that it was the light while turning to the light while holding him. He then said what sounded like, "Pull the cord", while pointing to the chains hanging from the ceiling fan. I then looked at him and clearly said, "You want to be careful with the cords, you could pull the ceiling fan down and it would go *BRKKSH*." (Think of the sound Kramer made when George's worlds were colliding.) Liam paused for a moment and then laughed, his head rolling back. He understood that I was making a joke.

Beaming, I tell you.

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Thursday, March 24, 2005

Credit Card Pranks

Do clerks at the mall ever match your signature on the receipt to the back of your card? Me neither. This guy experiments signing different names and sayings on his credit card receipts to see if anyone is paying attention. From the looks of things, they aren't.

My favorite signature? Service Sucked

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Meaningless. Really.

The USA just moved into a tie for 10th place in FIFA's world soccer rankings. The team we're tied with? Italy.

Pretty cool.

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Chinese Food Again

Yes, I'm a creature of habit. But today I only got one fortune in my cookie. It's a sign of...well, I don't know. Here is the fortune:

A good time to start something new

I agree, so starting tomorrow, if all goes according to plan, I'll be the first Powerball winning blogger. Since I'll no longer be working imagine the fun you'll have reading about:

My golf handicap (Currently: putter & long irons)
How many bottles of Dom it will take to fill my new hot tub
My volunteer work as a gopher at WXPN
Whether Beluga really is the best caviar
My takeover bid for Arsenal Football Club
My attempt to circumnavigate the globe in a paddle boat
A review of the complete John Stamos film library
Links to mindless crap I already link to

To opulence, and beyond!

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Most Impressive City Skylines

This is a pretty cool site with rankings done by number of floors per skyscraper. The list has 100 cities with Hong Kong (link to wicked cool pic) coming in at number one.

Philadelphia comes it at number 34. This picture isn't bad, but I prefer the night time view of Center City from the South Street Bridge. It doesn't get much better than that.

The lowest ranked US city is Tulsa, at number 99. Check out the cornstalks. (Joking. Oklahomans. Joking.)

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Jeff Weise

He is the 16 year old boy who allegedly killed nine people and himself in Red Lake, MN. Google has cached what could be his postings at the Nationalist Forums.


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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Lunch Question

I usually get Chinese take-out for lunch once or twice a month. I have been irked by two recent trips to get my chicken & garlic sauce. During each meal I've gotten two fortunes in my cookie.

If I could choose, I'm not sure which I'd select from today's repast:

You are going to have a very comfortable old age.

The star of riches is shining on you.

(The lucky number tie-breaker on the back is no help. Each has only one prime number.)

The former implies longevity and prosperity but it could just mean that I'll have a nice chair from which I can complain about my aching corns. The latter is just silly as I've never heard of the star of riches. But, I do not want to anger the double fortune gods, so I'll be buying a Powerball ticket tomorrow night.

Am I missing an angle here? In bed?

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Monday, March 21, 2005

Birth Control

A problem that is only now manifesting itself:
The problem of dog overpopulation is a real one. However, the noble goal of preventing unwanted dog pregnancy does not justify the means being used. Millions of brutal forced castrations and female genital mutilations take place every year in America. We need to put a stop to these atrocities and give every living creature the respect it deserves.

The solution? Dog Condoms.

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Friday, March 18, 2005

Live Blogging - FRI NIGHT

The post below represents four hours of blogging on the early games today, this post is for the evening games. It's not just hoops as ther post below will attest...

8:10 We're getting Nantz & Packer for the Duke-Del St. game. The crowd is firmly against Duke and the DSU Hornets are only down six late in the first. I have Duke winning one of my pools but would trade that for a Dookie "L" in a second. I hate Duke and they'd lose to a team from the state I currently reside in.

8:14 Again, when I speed blog my spelling sucks and since I can't type that doesn't help matters.

8:18 For about seven seconds the two older boys were excited that a Delaware team could make tournament history. But apparently Nick is showing their first Anime cartoon ever. Priorities, I suppose. The youngest of the lads didn't get a very long nap today so he's already hit the sack. He'll be up early, but that's OK as Arsenal will play Blackburn tomorrow at 7:30 am.

8:20 Vermont is giving the 'Cuse a run in the second half. The Orange are only up four and VT is 1/10 for three. 3pt play VT down one...

8:25 If you enjoy sports you'll improve your enjoyment with HDTV. Trust me. Of course the Miller "taste loss" ads are crap in Analog, Digital or HD.

8:27 They just showed a VT fan holding a glass slipper making a Cinderella reference. If Cinderella wore the shoe that guy was holding she'd be on a stage with a pole. I think you know what I mean. VT up three.

8:37 According to Michigan Police, blogging is a serious problem. Yeesh.

8:40 VT up six. 10 minutes to go. The kids are back. Anime has nothing on March Madness.

8:44 (Still blogging on EST) Syracuse just got jobbed. Dude dunks it and hangs on the rim forasecond and gets rung up for a Technical. Crap call...

8:45 McNamara is one out of ten from the field. VT holding five with 7:36 to go. If Syracuse is going to come back, Mac is going to have to start draining 3s...

9:04 Mac hit a couple but it's up to VT now. :15 left and VT has the ball tied up....They turn it over. Dude steps on the baseline driving to the hole. 3.7 seconds left and 'Cuse has to go the length of the floor....

9:05 OVER-TIME Mac misses a runner at the buzzer. I think VT had their chance...

9:15 One of the best basketball games I've seen in a long time...

9:20 Vermont holds on. Me and the lads enjoyed it very much. They aren't into sports as much as I am, but I'm glad we were able to share that game together.

10:13 Thanks for stopping by. I'm hitting the sack...

I'll leave you with the announcement about the Thumb Wrestling Championships. No sneak attacks!

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Tournament Friday

Live Blogging of Tourney Day Two.

1:02 Got my iced caramel mocha and an empty house; ready for some round ball.

1:04 I donn't know why I take part in pools every year. I always pick only two final four teams and finish in the bottom third of the pack. My champs in my three pools are Duke, OKST & Wake Forest. This is the first year that I've completed all my pools online. This Internet thing is working out pretty good.

1:05 War of the Worlds looks like it's going to have some good special effects. Tom Cruise not withstanding.

1:10 Just so you know, I'm operating on Wilmington, DE time.

1:11 Florida is up by 6 with two minutes to go in the first half. Verne Lunquist & Bill Raftery are doing the game. #2 seed OKST is up by eight with 4:20 to go in the first. I'm liking the real time scores CBS has running at the top of the screen. Gamblers everywhere are rejoicing at this. (Perhaps even the women in my office who invariably win every pool like it too. You know the ones, they like the teams with the pretty blue uniforms.)

1:15 I just heard my first Raftery-ism of the day. "Send it in!" His most famous "send it in" came after Pitt's Jerome Lane gusjohsoned the rim from the backboard back in the 80s. Everyone thinks Darryl Dawkins was the first to do it. Nope. It was Gus Johnson.

1:18 FL-OH are at the half so now we're treated to the CBS "number one" broadcast team of Jim Nantz & Billy Packer. Like an ice pick to my ear hole.

1:25 Greg Gumbel doing highlights now that almost all of the first games are at the half. Did anyone notice that Nantz & Gumbel switched roles during the past NFL season? I always felt that Gumbel & lead NFL analyst Phil Simms had great rapport, not so Nantz/Simms. It was painful to watch sometimes. Nantz was trying too hard to be one of the guys.

1:30 Just checked the work voicemail. Only three messages and nothing urgent.

1:30:30 WOOHOO!

1:31 Keeping up with work emails too so I don't have surprises on Monday. This iBook is the best thing I ever bought.

1:33 Just under a month until the Masters. Sweet.

1:34 Hey look another car commercial. Did you know that GM is the company that spent the most on advertising for each of the last three years? Now you do. Not all of the ads are dring March Madness, it just seems that way.

1:40 Florida is up by eight with 18 min to go. The whipped cream they put on top of the caramel mocha is the perfect touch.

1:41 Mmmmmmm whipped cream.

1:43 The closest contest at the moment is seven points out of all the first games. We need a fight or something to liven things up.

1:45 Ohio is officially getting spanked by Florida. They miss Gary Trent.

1:46 FL on a 25-7 run. Get a TO baby! They do.

1:44 When I partake in the staccato blogging my spelling suffers. Badyl.

1:50 NC St. & Charlotte are in a one point game, we should get to see that game shortly.

1:53 I got to see a good portion of Mark McGwire's testimony on the news this morning. He was SO on the juice. And not just the Andro either. He never said, "I'm taking the fifth." He just refused to answer. G-U-I-L-T-Y.

1:57 Florida's Matt Walsh (#44 with the headband) has an outstanding head of hair. Not jealous, just an observation.

1:59 Florida coach Billy Donovan still looks the same as he did when he went to the Final Four with Providence back in the day. I forget the year but the ascending Rick Pitino was his coach.

2:01 Warm up the bus! Florida up by 20. Hair boy has seven assists.

2:02 Best line from a commercial so far: "Being an actress is torture on my hair and scalp." The media buyer who placed that ad should be fired for placing a women's hair care ad on during the Tournament. His excuse: "The scheduler said that Guiding Light would be on." Get a newspaper.

2:03 Yes. I'm a media buyer. Planner too.

2:06 CBS WTF are you waiting for?!?! NCST/Char is a two point game with three minutes left. Get it together...

2:12 I love the Chevy commercial with the dude in the back seat of the full cab pick up singing Shania Twain's 'Man, I feel like a woman' while his buddies cringe. Funny. Good job media buyer.

2:13 Yes. We still have the FL game on.

2:16 For you leftys out there... Josh Marshall is getting married so media man extrordinaire and Smither voice guy Harry Shearer is now guest blogging at Talking Points Memo. Check it out.

2:19 Ohio has cut Florida's lead to 13. Ludquist is saying it's a game again. I disagree.

2:20 #2 OKST is only up five with four minutes left.

2:25 OK maybe it is a game. Ohio only down seven with two FTs coming. Florida launching crazy threes. No one crashing the boards...

2:32 Florida sucks. Tie game two minutes to go.

2:34 Hair boy misses a three badly. OH doesn't make them pay. No urgency from FL. An airball from the outside and Roberson makes a layup and one. FL up three 38 seconds...

2:40 Time out Ohio down five :21 to go. It'll take a miracle now. All of the other games are over with no surprises.

2:43 Just about done. Ohio has a former player on the bench who will be returning to Mosul on nTuesday. Perspective.

2:45 Done. Florida by five. They play like that on Sunday they'll be in class on Monday after an L.

2:47 Next game starts in seven minutes. Time to go down to the basement and change the litter box. Basketball & cat poo. It's FANtastic.

2:57 Next game I'm seeing is UConn and Daunte Culpepper's Alma Mater, Central Florida. They could use him today.

2:58 This could turn into the longest blog post ever as Mrs. Horns is going to dinner and a movie tonight with one of her friends.

3:00 UConn is pretty good. Calhoun always seems to have his team peaking now. Thet's why he has two rings...

3:01 UConn is on a pace for 120

3:07 UCF is hanging in there, only down five. Daunte is in his TV room doing his ghost speedbag routine hoping for a miracle.

3:09 Monster.com spends a ton of coin on advertising. That would be a fun account to work on

3:12 Since I'm in the Philly TV market we'll probably get to see the Villanova game coming up. I haven't seen them play a single game this year. Before I went back to school I lived in West Philly and went to the Palestra all the time for Big Five games. Those were the days. If you ever get to see a game at Penn's home gym you should, the mecca of college hoops.

3:15 Yup. Nova vs. New Mexico. Raftery & Lunquist again. You can look for Verne to be calling the action from the 16th tower at Augusta in a couple of weeks. You won't be seeing Gary McCord there. Bill Raftery will go back to managing his car washes.

3:19 Nova pitching a shut out!!!! 2-0 17:30 to go first half.

3:20 Shut out intact after NM misses to FTs. 5-0

3:44 Short break as Mrs. Horns just got home from work.

3:45 Villanova up 23-6 7 minutes to go. Shut out over but UNM would love double digits now. Daunte just tried to call his bookie.

3:50 Those Applebee's Ribs *kissed* with BBQ sauce look pretty good. Of course if they looked like crap no one would go there. Except for the Aryans.

3:52 Nova up 29-8 4 minutes left in half one. Ouch.

3:54 UNM into double digits. Villanova calls timeout. Seriously.

3:55 How can CBS fit two :30 commercials into a :30 timeout?

4:03 CLEAN UP, AISLE THREE! Nova 34 UNM 11 Half time. The New Mexico team will each eat three smelling salts during the break.

4:09 It looks like all four afternoon games are lopsided. Hopefully some team will pull a Florida so we can get at least one more good finish before tonight's games.

4:28 UNM cuts the 'Nova lead to 18. Baby steps. I maybe from Philly but I'm indifferent on whether Villanova goes all the way. Sure I'd probably hop on the bandwagon if they went to the final four, but I can take'm or leave 'em.

4:37 It sounds like they removed Ms. Schivo's feeding tube. Why is it national news?

4:39 Nova going cold in the second half from three, but still lead by 19. A +13 rebounding margin helps.

4:43 L'il Kim convicted of perjury. Could go up l'il river for 20 years.

4:44 UCF only down 8 to UConn. Culpepper may call bookie again.

4:45 Nova up 17.

4:46 *Yawn*

6:17 Had to pick up my car, but I'm back and not done yet. No big surprises in the late games. Mrs. Horns is out at the movies and I'm home with three kids. I'll spare you the Simpsons blogging now, though this episode does have Sideshow Bob. Love him. Young Liam (22 mos.) is quite adept at turning on the DVD player and putting in Finding Nemo, he could start it if he knew the TV/Video button on the remote. I'll give him another month until he's got that down. More kid blogging soon. The Schwans guy is here.

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Day Off Today

Doctor's appts are done the car is at the shop so I'm going to blog a couple of the tournament games today. I have three pools (for amusement *ahem* only) going and I'll bring you some March Madness Uncle Horns style...

Right after I go to Starbucks.

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Thursday, March 17, 2005


Just when you think a yawn is a yawn...it isn't.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

We Crap on Earth. Again.

The US Senate voted 51-49 today to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for oil drilling.

The earliest we'll see any oil from ANWR is ten years from now so there is still plenty of time to buy stock in Mobil or Exxon. They'll be getting fat from our tax dollars.

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Wolfowitz Named to Run World Bank

A very bad idea, but not surprising.

Another big F**K YOU from the Bush Administration to the world.

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Must Have DVDs

The first season of Doogie Howser is now available.

Get'm while they're hot!

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What Do You Expect?

If it's a hot day any higher life form will get in the kiddie pool.

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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Long Friggin' Day

But enough about me.

Go check out the winners of the 2005 Bloggies, some amazing blogs and categories were nominated. Be sure to look at the prizes for Most Humorous Blog.

(Who doesn't like Pez dispensers?)

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Monday, March 14, 2005

Indian IRS Will Make You Tone Deaf

That is if you don't pay your taxes:
HYDERABAD, India (Reuters) - Tax defaulters in southern India are being forced to face the music after city authorities hired drummers to play non-stop outside their homes until they pay up.

After many residents ignored repeated demands to settle overdue property taxes. authorities in a city in Andhra Pradesh state have sent 20 groups of drummers to play outside offenders' houses for the past week...

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Brezhnev: Maybe You Shouldn't Have That Vodka

Old school Anti-Alcohol Posters from the Soviet Union.

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Friday, March 11, 2005

Whew! THAT Was Close

A judge has ruled that Jay Leno can tell Michael Jackson jokes on the Tonight Show.

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The Nose Knows

It appears as though Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler has undergone a procedure.

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Road Rage

It's just a Bush bumper sticker. Relax.

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Thursday, March 10, 2005

My Very Own List

I put my thinking cap on at lunch and came up with the following list. I'll be submitting it to McSweeney's and will let you know if it gets published. It probably won't, but you never know.

Colors That Mr. Crayola’s Grandkids Want That Won’t Happen Because the Old Man’s Estate Forbids it
Veteran’s Stadium Bathroom Floor

Can't expect much more after working on it for ten minutes with a Wawa Meatball shorti and a Pepsi.

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Another List

I defy you not to laugh out loud at this list, while trying not to read too much into it:

TV Catch Phrases That Weren't

Hawaii Five-O
"Book him, Danno!"
Original: "Beat him, Danno. Beat him good."

Hill Street Blues
"Be careful out there."
Original: "Watch out for black kids."

I Love Lucy
"Lucy, you have some explaining to do."
Original: "You moron! You'll have me deported."

Good Times
Original: "Dy-na-mite!"

Spiderman (animated)
"My Spidey senses are tingling."
Original: "I'm getting an erection."


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Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Still Bitter After All These Years

In case you missed it yesterday, GOP Sen. Lindsay Graham is still a little jacked about the Civil War:
“We don’t do Lincoln Day Dinners in South Carolina,” Senator Graham told a Lincoln Day gathering in Tennessee Saturday. “It’s nothing personal, but it takes awhile to get over things.”

Perhaps a meal with Senator Lott would help him heal.

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Google Search of the Day

It's not that shiny!

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Is 'Blogger' a Word?

No, according to Microsoft Outlook, which flags the word with the spell checker. The first replacement suggestion? Logger.

Amazingly the same is true for the Blogger "Blog This" pop-up window.

It seems kind of odd that the word blogger (the person) doesn't count as a word in the spell checker for Blogger (the Google entity).

I'm just saying.

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Monday, March 07, 2005

The First Blog Post from the White House

Garrett Graff is the first blogger to be given White House press credentials.

Read about his first day as a gaggler.

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Who's on First

Modern version from the rental counter at the video store.

(Third base!)

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Spent several hours in the office on Sat. night, but got some important stuff done and my client was very appreciative.

(I made sure to email her some supplemental data after midnight on Saturday.)

Other than that me and the baby spent some quality time crawling around on the floor, laughing and drooling. He used to think that a bite was an equivalent to a kiss but I'm happy to say we have moved beyond that stage. (He'll probably return to it when he starts dating.) We also watched Crystal Palace get a much deserved draw against ManUre. Mrs. Horns is battling the phlegm monster so I made sure she was fed and hydrated. Other than that it was pretty laid back.

I know about some of your weekends (see comments, previous post.) How about you?

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Saturday, March 05, 2005

Rockin' Saturday Night!

Actually I'm at work trying to catch up on some crap.

Make me feel better and let me know you're going to tilt a few pints. Extra credit if you'll drink one for me...

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Friday, March 04, 2005


Apparently the famed writer battled a serious gambling addiction during his life. I heard on NPR last night that his descendants are protesting the inclusion of Dostoyevsky's picture on tickets for the Russian national lottery.

Mrs. Horns and I were trying to come up with similar present day "endorsements". Here are a couple:

George W. Bush on a recruitment poster for MENSA

Martha "Free Bird" Stewart for Charles Schwab

Other ideas?

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Thursday, March 03, 2005

Malaysian DVD Bootleggers are Clueless

But it makes for much amusement in the States.

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"If he was a pot smoker, that makes him cooler to me."
-- Wyclef Jean, on President Bush (New York Daily News)

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Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Yahoo Ten Years Ago

I remember when this was considered the bomb.

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Yahoo Turns 10! Free Ice Cream!

Go here to get a coupon good for one free scoop of ice cream today at Baskin-Robbins.

Good for March 2, 2005 only.

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Organization of the Day

People for Eating Tasty Animals (PETA) is making a name for itself with a bid for a huge lobster.

The other PETA is pissed.

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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Not You Average Skunk Bites Man Story

It's much, much, much worse.

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Baby Name

Why does no one ever use the name Glanda?

So what if it doesn't appear in the numerous online baby name generators.

It's a cool name.

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Another List

A great list from McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

Adjectives Rarely Used by Wine Tasters


I don't know why I find these lists so funny, when it seems that my reader is indifferent. Alas, I'm chuckling as I post this and that's all that matters.

Pondy. Heh.

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