Uncle Horn Head

Good Sunday Night, Rupert Murdoch not Withstanding

Sunday, May 1st on FOX should be good. The Family Guy returns and the Simpsons are airing their 350th episode.

Two of the best animated shows ever.

(Along with Josie & the Pussycats. The episodes they went into space, with that lovable alien roadie, Gleek.)

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He Actually Sits Still



Of course he'll need to do that when he gets his first haircut.

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Crustaceous Period

Mrs. Horns and I celebrated out third wedding anniversary last night. We went to the restaurant where we had our first date and had an outstanding meal. The soft taco supremes were divine. I started with a half dozen oysters, while my bride had the Creole tomato bisque. The main course for Mrs. Horns consisted of sating her asparagus fix. The succulent pork chops were an after thought (but still succulent and done perfectly.) For the first time in my life I ordered a "nude" lobster (Though I ordered it "naked" on purpose for comic effect. Mission accomplished). This means I didn't have to do the work of de-shelling the mighty two-and-a-half pound beast. The meat was served in a pot with boiled potatoes and green beans. I realize this may offend the New England sensibilities of at least one UHH reader. Supposedly, the work of getting the meat out of the shell is, "half the fun." I agree it is fun, particularly if I'm at the beach and have a salt-rimmed glass in front of me, but it wasn't going to happen for my anniversary dinner. So, relax New Englanders, I can still get a ton of meat out of any shelled animal (except a turtle.) We finished with the creme brulee and sorbet.

A wonderful meal and a lot of fun.

If you're ever in the North Wilmington area you should check out Harry's Savoy Grill. It is about 30 minutes from Philly and will offer a great dining experience.

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Man Marries Wrong Twin

I'm surprised this type of thisng doesn't happen more, in Romania:

A Romanian man is demanding a divorce after finding out he married the twin sister of the woman he fell in love with.

Vladut R, from Constanta, lived for three years with his wife Monica but says he couldn't go on with the "ordeal" because he loved her sister.

The man met the "love of his life" - Elena - a few years ago during a trip to France.

They were supposed to meet up again back in Romania but the woman decided not to stay in touch after she suffered an accident and needed time to recover.

Meanwhile, Vladut met his lover's twin sister, Monica, at the seaside and thought it was the girl of his dreams.

She accepted his marriage proposal, not telling him the truth about her sister.

Now the couple, who are both dentists, have agreed about to divorce so the man can be back together with the right sister.

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Palm Blogging

I would really need to have something important to say in order to do this frequently.

Doubtful.
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Family Guy Returns this Sunday

And if you haven't seen the show, you are doing your funny bone a grave injustice.

Behold, Baby Stewie:

Stewie: Cut my eggs.
Butler: [cuts eggs] Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: I can’t sir, it’s liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you question me again I’ll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won’t make it easy for you.


Stewie: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.


[watching a baseball game] Stewie: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.


Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie: I don't care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.

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Pam Anderson Blogging

She's basically promoting her FOX show, Stacked but it will be interesting to see what it morphs into. I wonder if Tommy Lee or Kid Rock will ever get guest blogging duties?

Her forum is hosted by Friendster, who I didn't realize offered blogging services. Probably a good way for them to generate interest, though she hasn't gotten more than 25 comments on a post yet.

That will change.
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Pledge of Allegiance

I pledge allegiance to the Flag
of the United States of America,
and to the Republic for which it stands:
one Nation under LA-LA-LA-LA, indivisible,
With Liberty and Justice for all.



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Energy Bill

Good stuff:




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Today's Fortune

After an exceptional dish of chicken & garlic sauce with white rice:

Time is the wisest counselor

If this means what I think it means then wouldn't this saying (and probable fortune) mean the opposite:

He who hesitates is lost


I need an aspirin.

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Another List

By Eric March

Things This City Was Built On, Besides Rock 'n' Roll.
- - - -
Navajo burial ground

12 trillion tons of reinforced concrete and steel

Hard drugs

Government-protected wetlands

Your hard-earned tax dollars, folks. Your tax dollars

Drunken dare

Water-logged corpses of Irish immigrants

Previous bizarro underground version of this city

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Good Start

I seem to be in a blogging mood. It's Friday.

Did I mention that I haven't had one cigarette in over six weeks and haven't worn a patch in three weeks. It was tough going for a while there when Mrs. Horns was down in TX and I went down for the end of the trial. I wouldn't say I fell off the wagon. I would say that the wagon ran over me, backed up over me and then ran me over again. I was on the iron lung road for a couple of weeks there. But now I feel good, confident too.

Strangely, I've felt better about it because I haven't been trumpeting my progress (or blogging it for that matter). I'm just taking it one day at a time and not really thinking about tomorrow or yesterday. Now I just have to stop buying eight balls take better care of myself.

I hope you have a great weekend. I know I will.

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Free Music Downloads

Courtesy of Amazon.

Updated often.

Get down with your downloadingself.

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Congress Confuses File Sharing with Manslaughter

Who is in the majority again?

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WWJB

What would Jesus blog?

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At What Point Will Everyone Be Blind?

"I can't say it wasn't"
-- Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL), asked if the Clinton impeachment proceedings "were payback for Nixon's impeachment" (ABC7Chicago.com).

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American Football

The NFL draft is tomorrow. To get you ready I suggest you partake in some: Terry Tate: OFFICE LINEBACKER (WMV).

And remember, don't bring that weak stuff up in here, yo...
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Crass Commercialism

My father (Papa Horns?) has always been an excellent wood craftsman. I have fond memories of setting up the sailing rig in the dinghy he built when we'd spend summers on the Chesapeake Bay, with an occasional jaunt to New England.

Now that he's retired and spending more time on the lathe, he's been going to shows and selling some of his work. I have a birch bud vase in my office and a nice business card holder as well.

His pieces are beautiful and now he has his own little corner of the world wide web.

Stop by and take a look at his wares. The pieces are reasonably priced and he can custom make virtually anything.

Tell him Uncle Horns sent you.

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I'm Lovin' It



Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickels, onions on a sesame seed mammary bun.

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Arnold Blams Misunderstanding on "Language Problem"

Oh the possibilities!

This sounds like a job for the Culture Ghost.


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Man Caught Fire During Surgery

I wonder if this story has anything to do with the story about spontaneous combustion I saw on That's Incredible 25 years ago?

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More Fortunes Like This Please



Other tasteless fortunes here.
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Ann Coulter on the Cover of Time Magazine

I understand she's a little ticked at the photo they used. At least they used Photoshop to improve on the original.

Tip of the Horn to Greg Beato.

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I'm Correctin' It

We continue with, what is turning into, fast food Monday.



Steve over at The Sneeze went to McDonald's recently and felt it was a little presumptuous of them to put an I'm Lovin' It sticker on his bag of McDonald's goodness. His other sticker suggestions border on high comedy.

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Freaky Mute Burger King

Does this guy make you want to buy fast food?



Mrs. Horns and I are in agreeance that the appearance of this guy at our bed side would make us more likely to run screaming into the night than to buy greasy food.

If you haven't seen the ads then you don't know that the "King" pictured above does not speak and the smile is permanently frozen on his plastic face, just like another scary fast food icon.


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Worst Number One Google Search Result Ever

Out of context!
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Oh The Humanity!!!!!

I'm sure you've heard of the book bearing the same name:

The Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy



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Question

Are their any companies, organizations or universities that haven't had their customer databases compromised?

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Astral Sex

A masterful, rhythmic headline from the Weekly World News.

HOW TO HAVE UNINHIBITED OUT-OF-BODY SEX WITH ANYONE YOU LIKE

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My Wedding Cake

Mrs. Horns said I'm the most romantic guy in the world for making this on our special day.



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Garfield on Your Mantle

Wisconsin considers legalizing cat hunting.

If approved, I wonder if we'd see friday cat-hunting bloggers from the badge state?

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Plenty to Work With

"Dick Cheney forbade me to waste time on his image. I would have liked to have done more" -–
Mary Matalin

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Eldrick

Tiger won his 4th Green jacket yesterday at Augusta. I hope you had a chance to see his second shot from off the green at the 16th. The shot was great but so was the camera work.

If you haven't seen it, someone already made it into a Nike commercial (WMV).
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Plagiarism

I got a visit from a fact checker over the weekend.

Though I can't really think of a plagiarism worthy post, I'm honored & humbled that someone chose to cheat from me.

(If that's what happened.)

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Inkblot

Apropos.



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Don't Thank Me...

Thank Tanna Blattler!

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America the *GACK*



"Ballpark lunch" to include Freedom fries and "W" Ketchup.

Never in a million years.
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Gasp

Blogger now has an auto-save feature that will allow you to recover a lost post.

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Blogger Sucks

In case you didn't notice, Blogger has really sucked lately.

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Philly Wireless Plan to be Unveiled on Thursday, 4/7

Some good information here, including how to get on a conference call and lots of informative links.

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Beautiful Day

It's 75 and sunny here in Philadelphia. A glorious day.

I'm inside working on my fluorescent tan.
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Dumping Lines

I'm happily married, so I won't be using these anytime soon. Back when I was single I didn't use them either and my ex-girlfriends didn't bother. They just moved without telling me.

Amusing samples:

Sorry, you don't make the flag on my mailbox go up anymore. (for females)

(Note: this one comes to you courtesy of Homer Simpson.) Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.

I'm sleeping with my brother.

Could we reschedule our date for later? I have to go down to the tar pits to worship my dark lord Friday at Midnight.
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Phones Down

Our phone service has been down at work for over an hour.

Super-cala-fradga-listic-aggravating.

Oooh look.

The internet.

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Google Gulp

Take that Yahoo! You don't even have your own beverage.

(I will be staying away from the Beta Carroty flavor. Far away.)

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Tough Crowd

"Minor inconvenience to one's ability to star in a television show is an insufficient ground for resentencing" --- Asst U.S. Atty Michael Schachter, on Martha Stewart seeking the removal of her ankle bracelet for the purposes of skirt-wearing. New York Daily News.

Meanwhile, on Ken Lay's yacht...
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Found One

A good April Fool's joke. Watch until the very end.

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Tom DeLay Gets a Letter

I have a feeling this is not an April fool's joke.

April 1, 2005

Tom DeLay
Majority Leader
House of Representatives
Washington, DC 20515

Dear Majority Leader DeLay,

I was stunned to read the threatening comments you made yesterday against Federal judges and our nation’s courts of law in general. In reference to certain Federal judges, you stated: “The time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior.”

As you are surely aware, the family of Federal Judge Joan H. Lefkow of Illinois was recently murdered in their home. And at the state level, Judge Rowland W. Barnes and others in his courtroom were gunned down in Georgia.

Our nation’s judges must be concerned for their safety and security when they are asked to make difficult decisions every day. That’s why comments like those you made are not only irresponsible, but downright dangerous. To make matters worse, is it appropriate to make threats directed at specific Federal and state judges?

You should be aware that your comments yesterday may violate a Federal criminal statute, 18 U.S.C. §115 (a)(1)(B). That law states:

“Whoever threatens to assault…. or murder, a United States judge… with intent to retaliate against such… judge…. on account of the performance of official duties, shall be punished [by up to six years in prison]”

Threats against specific Federal judges are not only a serious crime, but also beneath a Member of Congress. In my view, the true measure of democracy is how it dispenses justice. Your attempt to intimidate judges in America not only threatens our courts, but our fundamental democracy as well.

Federal judges, as well as state and local judges in our nation, are honorable public servants who make difficult decisions every day. You owe them – and all Americans – an apology for your reckless statements.

Sincerely,

Frank R. Lautenberg

Link.

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Goodbye Cruel World

It's April Fool's Day and I've already seen a couple of bloggers saying they're hanging up their keyboards. Kind of a lame joke if you ask me, which is why I commented at each site that they are full of shit.

Of course if they really are hanging up their keyboards on April 1st I'll go back and apologize for doubting them and then ask why they couldn't do it on April 2nd to avoid mistakes like this from happening.

I miss the days of clever April Fool's jokes. Here's one for you to do next year:

Go to the store right now and buy today's (4/1/05) newspaper. Next year (4/1/06) get up early and go get switch out your neighbor's home delivered paper with this years. It would probably be a bad time with Schiavo/Pope/Frank Perdue headlines and they'd get it right away, but in theory it's a good joke.

Any good ones I can do this afternoon in the office (besides taking up four parking spaces when I return from lunch) today? Your help is appreciated.

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